Yesterday, I attended a webinar by Sr. Sayema Zulfeqar. She is the CEO of Afiyah Counsel & Care, Counsellor at IOU, and Academic Coordinator at Productive Muslim. The topic is Keep The Spark Alive: Healthy Communication in Marriage addressed for Muslim couples. Kobar Islamic Studies (KIS) Academy and Afiyah Counsel & Care teamed up to arrange this webinar.
Did you miss the webinar? Don’t worry, you can read my note below! This webinar is also beneficial for those who aren’t married yet. In addition, you can learn how to get to know your potential spouse in my previous post.
Featured image by Fahmy Taza
The Significance Of A Healthy Marriage
A healthy marriage gives at least three significant impacts on your life.
1. A Happy Home
Photo by Heather Mount
Marriage shall be a source of comfort, happiness, and peace. A healthy marriage leads to a happy home, just like what Allah says in the Qur’an.
And Allah has made for you from your homes a place of rest and made for you from the hides of the animals tents which you find light on your day of travel and your day of encampment; and from their wool, fur and hair is furnishing and enjoyment for a time.Quran | An Nahl : 80
2. Good Physical & Mental Health
Photo by Charles Etoroma
Having a healthy marriage will reduce stress and lower indecencies in depression. At a certain level, it may cause physical pain. In conclusion, it prolongs your life in the long run.
And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.QURAN | Ar Rum : 21
3. Foundation Of A Good Society
Photo by John-Mark Smith
A family based on a healthy marriage is the foundation of a good society. Children who feel safe and loved in their home will grow as noble, ethical, and righteous people. These are the characteristics that make a good society. The family of Prophet Ibrahim alayhissalam was proof of this, as mentioned in the Qur’an.
And those who say, “Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous.”QURAN | furqan : 74
The Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse
A healthy marriage can be achieved by using effective communication and avoiding these four common mistakes. They are known as the Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse by Dr. John Gottman.
Photo by Mitchell Hollander
Criticism is a form of attack on your partner’s character. Usually, it’s not a big problem.
When it becomes repetitive, it may cause the victim to feel hurt and rejected, which will lead to contempt.
💡ANTIDOTE: Use the “I” statements to let them know what you feel and what you need.
DON’T: “You’re so selfish! You never care about me!”
DO: I feel that we’re not being attentive to each other as much as before, I need to spend some time with you. Can we go out this Saturday?
Photo by Siavash Ghanbari
Contempt occurs when you intentionally disrespect your partner and want them to feel hurt or worthless. It includes things like cynicism, mockery, and name-calling. It often causes divorce.
💡ANTIDOTE: Appreciate and respect your partner.
DO: Remind yourself of the good things that your partner has done to you and practice kindness. A small gesture goes a long way. For one negative interaction, do five positive interaction to your partner. Make a coffee, do the laundry, or dress up.
Photo by Christian Buehner
It’s typically a response to criticism. When we feel accused, we tend to justify our mistakes by making up excuses and playing victim to make our partner feel guilty. It isn’t a healthy way to deal with conflicts.
💡ANTIDOTE: Accept your responsibility, admit your mistakes, and apologise to them. Learn to compromise.
DON’T: I am too tired from work. Don’t you know I have this big project to finish this week? Why don’t you go to the store yourself?
DO: I am sorry. I should have told you I have this workload to finish this week and asked you to go there by yourself. It’s on me, let me go there now and tell me if you need anything else.
Photo by Nik Shuliahin
Usually, stonewalling is the response to contempt. Rather than addressing the issue, you avoid your partner and refuse to respond to them. It happens when the first three horsemen become out of hand.
💡ANTIDOTE: Take your time to calm yourself. Read a book, cook something, walk a mile to the park. Do anything to unwind your mind. When you’re ready, sit down and talk to your partner about the problems.
Now that we have learned how to manage conflict in a healthy way, it’s time to put it into practice! Ponder upon this advice, then implement it to improve the communication in your marriage. May Allah bless our marriage and bring peace in our home.