Getting to know someone for a marriage can be very tricky. In our experience, it took us nine months to get to know each other and three months to prepare the wedding. The time range varies depending on your circumstances. If I may suggest, do it in less than a year. The reason is, it can be physically and mentally exhausting. I want to share the resources and experience that I had to help you simplify your process of finding your dream spouse. In this post, I am going to help you ask the right questions for Muslim couples before nikkah.
You’ve been preparing yourself for marriage for quite a long time. But, you’re still not sure how to find a suitable spouse. You may hear this often: the most fundamental things are the deen (religion) and the akhlaq (manners), but is that all?
Of course there is more to that. Another significant thing to consider yet often neglected is compatibility. I am going to talk more about it in the future inshaaAllah. But basically, it means that you both get along well.
Religion is what you can never compromise because it’s the thing that holds a marriage together. Allah said,
وَمِنْ آيَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً ۚ إِنَّ فِي ذَٰلِكَ لَآيَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ
And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.AR RUM : 31
It doesn’t mean that you have to marry a shaykh, but you need to look at how he performs his obligatory prayers, how he recites the Qur’an and implements it in his life.
You need to make sure you both have the same vision so that you both will be walking in the same direction.
After all, marriage is the longest ibadah you’ll be doing. Discuss your expectations of the roles of both spouses.
You can ask his family and friends about his characteristics, preferably someone you can trust. Find out how he deals with money, anger, or how he influence those around them.
Do not believe in the idea that someone will change after marriage, be it his religion or his character. I am not saying that it’s impossible, I only hope you won’t put your future at stake by marrying him, thinking that you can change him after you marry him. Wait a month or so, then see if he can change before you get married.
4. Family And Friends
Get acquainted with his family and friends and find out how his relationship is like with them. Many marriages fell apart due to conflicts with the in-laws, especially those who live with their in-laws. I encourage both families to get involved from the beginning. If you don’t have a wali (chaperone) and you don’t have any brothers, you can talk to him through his mother or sister (this is what Abu Amina did since Day 1—and that’s one of the reasons why I married him!). It’s going to show you how serious he is.
Having children is a huge responsibility, so it’s crucial to know how both of you are going to raise them. If you are a multicultural family like us, you may need to teach them different languages.
I speak Indonesian and Javanese at home while Abu Amina himself speaks three languages with his family—English, Greek, and Arabic.
It isn’t wise to build your marriage merely upon wealth. Even though in real life, financial issues are quite common for causing problems in marriage.
But, by understanding his financial situation, you could manage your expectations on what kind of lifestyle you’re going to have.
7. Lifestyle And Health
It’s also necessary to know how his lifestyle is. You may ask how he maintain his health and how he spends his time.
You don’t need to have the same interest. Trying new things once in a while is fun too. It also gives us a different perspective. For example, I enjoy blogging because writing brings me peace, on the other hand Abu Amina is not really into social media.
Above all that, we must ask Allah The All-Knowing and The Most Wise for guidance first and foremost. May Allah grant us what’s most pleasing to Him.
If you want more in-depth questions for Muslim couples before nikkah, you can find them in my exclusive booklet: 120+ Questions to Ask A Prospective Spouse. Get the booklet for free by subscribing to my newsletters. You won’t miss other freebies like this!
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